Blessing Vs Curses

The last two days have been a roller coaster ride which doesn't stop...as I sit here waiting for my business partner to contact me, my mind swirls with thoughts I haven't had in quite some time. I am so frustrated, angry, scared, etc., etc..... I haven't been paid yet, which is a soap opera in itself; my landlord is threatening to boot me; I owe bills up the ying yang, which could be paid in full if I can get what's owed me. I question my decision, yet know it was the right thing to do: screwy huh?So I've been sitting here thinking about blessings and curses, because these thoughts scare the shit out of me. I am blessed to be free. I am blessed to be clean today. I am blessed to be healthy. I am blessed to have friends-true friends, who accept me. I am blessed to have a roof over my head, just for today (maybe literally). I am blessed with parents who forgive. I am blessed with the privelege of life on life's terms. I am blessed to FEEL, though these feelings hurt so bad. I am blessed to blog (!), for it allows me an outlet, though I don't write nearly enough. I am blessed to know people who inspire me, and to call them "Friend". I am blessed (blushing now) to have feelings for someone other than friendship ( there is a curse that goes with this one). I am blessed to have seen the Boss in person! Awesome! I am blessed to experience empathy. I am blessed to know right from wrong. I am blessed with the ability to think ( most of the time). I AM BLESSED with a higher power who forgives me, though I can't forgive myself. I am blesed with the memory of who I was, and the reality of who I am. I am blessed to have so many blessings. I am truly blessed.I am cursed with a past of my own making. I am cursed with the inability to express my feelings for others properly. I am cursed with the ever present shame of who I was. I am cursed with the knowledge I can't take back the hurt I caused people in my addiction. I am cursed to want a drink or some dope SOO bad today to deaden everything if just for awhile (though I am blessed with the ability to say no). I am cursed with a history of bad decisions leading to a garbage heap of a life, until recently. I am cursed to realize my inadequecies.